Volume 30 · Number 4 · Summer 2013
Parents
Let's review the science of summer
Scientists have confirmed five natural laws that govern your college student’s summer days. As a public service to parents, here’s a primer.
Scientists have confirmed five natural laws that govern your college student’s summer days. As a public service to parents, here’s a primer:
1. Conservation of stress
During summer break, the more relaxed the college student, the more stressed the parent. And conversely, the more stressed the college student, the more relaxed the parent. Physicists call this law the “conservation of stress.” Well, maybe not all physicists, but certainly the ones whose kids return home from college for summer vacation with no particular plans.
College students work very hard during the academic year, and they need some time to decompress over the summer. Parents understand this. We wonder, “Will one day of absolutely no demands be enough, or will you be needing two?”
I mean, come on, we parents were also working hard while our kids were away at college, what with tuition bills to pay and younger children to raise and elderly parents of our own to reassure that the housekeeper has not stolen their heating pad and, in fact, look, it’s right there on the floor next to the walker. Yet nobody seems to be suggesting that we plunk down in a gigantic beanbag chair for three months of inactivity. Which is just as well, I suppose, as it would be virtually impossible to stand up again.
2. Inertia
A college student at rest tends to remain at rest unless acted upon by an external force. Usually the external force is a cranky parent. This law of summer vacation was formulated by Sir Isaac Newton, who apparently spent quite a bit of time daydreaming in his garden during extended breaks from college, so he would know. His mother kept shouting at him from the kitchen window, “Isaac, get off your lazy backside and find a summer job!” Inertia was no match for Mrs. Newton.
Resting college students rest best during the daytime hours. That’s what makes them so annoying. When we’re dashing out the door to work and want to ask them to do chores, they’re at rest. When we’re back home and hoping for a quiet evening, they’re feeding and slamming doors and socializing with raucous gangs of young people. That is, until they’re acted upon by an external force and finally go out and find a job delivering pizza.
3. Natural selection
Once inertia has been overcome, college students plunge into the Darwinian world of summer work. The college student organism seeks a niche where it can flourish without competition from workers who have more experience or education. Popular employment niches for college students include unpaid intern, tattoo artist, bounty hunter and carnival barker. Also in high demand are lifeguards, camp counselors or any other position that involves blowing a whistle at youngsters who are also home from school for the summer and driving their poor parents crazy.
4. Archimedes’ principle
Teaching young children to swim is one niche particularly well suited to the college student organism. For one thing, college students look better in bathing suits than older workers, and young adults haven’t yet developed the nagging shoulder injuries that prevent the mature workforce from seeking employment as swim instructors. The job sounds something like this:
Listen kid, I’m your swim teacher and I learned this in school, so trust me. Objects are buoyant if they displace as much water as they weigh. This Greek guy discovered that principle a really long time ago. So if you want to learn to float, you gotta roll over on your back and spread your arms like the Y in the YMCA song and your legs … wow, you’re the skinniest little thing I’ve ever seen. Your legs are sinking like crowbars.
Let’s try something else. Let’s play a little game. Let’s pretend you are … um … a concrete ship. Your hull is full of air, and the weight of the water you’re displacing is greater than …
I know ships don’t have legs. Work with me here, buddy, or you’re never going to move up to tadpole. Are you even thinking about your surface-area-to-weight ratio? Did you finish the reading I assigned on buoyancy?
Your college student repeats this lesson countless times in the suspiciously warm shallow end of the pool, until finally…
Eureka! My summer job has ended! I cannot wait to return to college and start laying the groundwork with mom and dad for an expensive study abroad program next summer.
5. The scientific method
Some students are so clever that they choose the perfect summer job, one that placates parents yet allows plenty of time for relaxation.
I. Your college student makes some observations:
There are more wildfires in the summer months than during the rest of the year. My break coincides with increased seasonal demand for firefighters. Firefighters get paid a lot of money.
II. Hypothesis:
If I train for a summer job fighting wildfires, then I will earn thousands of dollars as a seasonal firefighter.
III. Experiment:
I invest in a pair of heavy-duty lug sole work boots. To get in shape, I run around campus wearing work boots, a hard hat, and a 45-pound backpack. I expose myself to poisonous plants, ticks and snakes. I work irregular hours, experience dehydration and sleep deprivation. In short, I maintain my typical college routine in order to pass the physical fitness requirements for firefighters.
During spring term, I train to become certified as a firefighter. I finish finals. I am assigned to a standby crew, waiting to be called up for a fire.
I wait.
My parents get twitchy.
I wait.
My parents listen closely for news of wildfires.
I wait.
My parents begin asking friends and neighbors to pray for conflagrations.
Summer comes to a close.
I am still waiting.
IV. Data:
By comparing the amount of money in my bank account at the beginning of summer with the amount at the end of summer, I determine that I did not earn thousands of dollars as a seasonal firefighter. In fact, the data show that I am out $100 for a pair of heavy-duty lug sole work boots.
V. Conclusions:
I reject my initial hypothesis. Fortunately, I gained valuable knowledge, which is ultimately worth much more than a salary. I’ll bet mom and dad are really pleased that I put my college degree to work over the summer.