Volume 30 · Number 1 · Fall 2012
Parents
The launch
Words fail us when Voyager 18 goes to college, and beyond.
Illustration by Jay Leek, UC Davis
By Robin DeRieux
It’s our final opportunity. As we drop off our freshman at college and say goodbye, we want our parting words to be something significant, something that sums up the profound nature of having a child leave home after 18 years to begin an independent life. Something our kids will always remember and repeat to themselves in times of adversity. Something like, “Be sure to wear your flip-flops in the shower.”
Well sorry, but some of us get tongue-tied, and that’s the best we can come up with under pressure.
Don’t worry, parents, our kids will forgive us if we can’t think of just the right thing to say on departure day. They aren’t listening anyway. Even if they hear our words and nod their heads, the message gets garbled in transmission. Maybe we’re standing a few feet from each other in a tiny dorm room, but we might as well be Mission Control in Houston communicating with an astronaut on the launchpad.
Our newly displaced college freshman — Voyager 18 — sits surrounded by unpacked possessions, pondering how to adjust to life in an area the size of a space capsule. Mom and Dad — Mission Control — still cling to the belief that what we say before we depart will have an impact on our student’s trajectory in college. The younger sibling — Tech Support — is aghast that we’re about to abandon a family member in a dorm room with no WiFi.
Are these optimal conditions for a heart-to-heart talk? No, but that doesn’t stop us from trying. The results sound something like this:
Mission Control
How are you feeling, honey? Are you doing OK?
Voyager 18
Experiencing dizziness. Unsure about adjustment to new environment.
Mission Control
Oh sweetie, college will be very hard, but we have complete confidence in your ability to succeed. We’ll be available for you whenever you want to chat or talk through a problem. We love you, and we’re proud of you. You’ll do just fine.
Voyager 18
Say again, Houston. I was texting.
Mission Control
College will be very hard! You’ll do just fine. We’ll be available to help you over any rough patches.
Voyager 18
Roger that. College will be hard, expect rough patches.
Mission Control
Speaking of patches, what a shame I never taught you how to change a tire. What will happen if you get a flat?
Voyager 18
Please clarify, Houston. Am I getting a car?
Mission Control
What? No. No way! Freshmen aren’t even allowed to have cars on campus.
Voyager 18
Message unclear, Houston. Where are you going with this?
Mission Control
I’m just wondering whether we were good enough parents. If we adequately prepared you to live on your own.
Voyager 18
Not going there. Copy that?
Mission Control
Let’s talk about healthy meals. Remember, just because they have soft serve ice cream and soda in the dining hall doesn’t mean you should eat that kind of junk food.
Voyager 18
(Whacks Tech Support on shoulder) Ha! We get soft serve ice cream and soda!
Tech Support
Big deal. Did you know your cell phone only registers half a bar in here?
Mission Control
Never forget that our family is making financial sacrifices to support your education.
Voyager 18
Affirmative, Houston.
Mission Control
We expect you to work hard and take advantage of opportunities while you’re here. You did great in high school, but you’re in the big leagues now.
Voyager 18
Copy sports analogy. Experiencing sinking, empty feeling.
Mission Control
Don’t get too stressed. Get regular exercise. Make time for a little fun.
Voyager 18
Internal pressure readings fluctuating wildly.
Mission Control
Would now be a good time to bring up all the regrets we have about the mistakes we made as parents?
Voyager 18
Say again, Houston. I was updating my Facebook status.
Mission Control
I just want you to know I’m so sorry I insisted you wear your Hello Kitty pajamas to school in seventh grade.
Voyager 18
My Facebook status says, “Looking forward to liftoff.”
Mission Control
In my defense, it was Pajama Day.
Voyager 18
I already got three “likes!”
Mission Control
And also, just to be absolutely clear on the Big Stuff. Sex — well, we already discussed that in private.
Tech Support
Awkward!
Mission Control
Tattoos — don’t get one. Alcohol — don’t drink it. Drugs — don’t try them.
Tech Support
You didn’t say anything about hookah lounges.
Mission Control
What’s a hookah lounge?
Tech Support
People go to this bar kind of place with these big hookahs and pass a water pipe around and everyone smokes tobacco. With flavorings. You have to be 18 to go.
Mission Control
What?! Those exist?
Tech Support
We passed one on our way into campus. Didn’t you see it? Captain Hooka’s Lazy Lounge?
Voyager 18
(Glares at younger brother) Would you zip it?
Mission Control
(Resolve wavering) Maybe this isn’t the right college for you. Maybe you should live at home and attend the local community college.
Voyager 18
Negative, Houston. Already on the launchpad.
Mission Control
Let’s review the safety procedures.
Voyager 18
Proceed, Houston.
Mission Control
Always lock the door to your dorm room, even if you just pop out for a short shower. Lock up your laptop. Don’t walk alone after dark. Don’t go out on a date without letting your roommate or someone know where you’re going. If you go to a party, stick with a buddy.
Watch out for each other.
Voyager 18
Honestly Houston, I’m a college student, not a 2-year-old. Do you read me?
Mission Control
Stand by for technical difficulties. (Sniffles, wistful sigh.)
Where did the time go?
Voyager 18
Please repeat, Houston. Time?
Mission Control
The years. They passed by so quickly. Where did they go?
Voyager 18
Roger that, Houston. Time for you to go.
Mission Control
What? Go? You mean leave?
Voyager 18
Roger that.
Mission Control
I’m feeling wobbly. I’m not sure if I can handle the departure. (Sniffles become sobs)
Voyager 18
I have complete confidence in your ability to cope, Houston. You’ll do just fine.
Mission Control
We love you, honey.
Voyager 18
Love you too, Houston. I’ll call. Love you, Tech Support. Take care of Sparky.
Mission Control
Just one last piece of advice, sweetie. Really important! Never put a wool sweater in the dryer. It will shrink.
Voyager 18
Roger wilco. Over and out.
Humor writer Robin DeRieux can be reached at rdderieux@yahoo.com.