Volume 27 · Number 4 · Summer 2010
Parents
Is that your final answer?
The final analysis: Red Bull, Cheetos and the power of prayer.
It’s never too early to start studying for final exams. Last week would’ve been good. Yesterday would’ve been good enough. Tomorrow is definitely too late. Hurry! Put down this magazine immediately, call up your college kid and tell her to stop procrastinating. She’ll probably tell you that it’s summer, and classes don’t start for several weeks, or she’ll give you some other flimsy excuse.
Oh wait, hold the phone. It’s not our job to motivate kids to study for finals — that’s up to them. Parents don’t have to do anything until exams are over, when students return home physically and mentally exhausted. Then we call our kid’s professor and fight for partial credit on problem No. 3. Maybe raise a ruckus in the dean’s office because our student has been placed on academic probation. Or contact that psychology professor and give him a piece of our mind.
Just kidding. You wouldn’t really do that, would you?
You would? You did?! Alright, it looks as though some of us haven’t done the assigned reading. I’d like every parent who has ever contacted a faculty member on behalf of their child to turn to page 2 of the college parent handbook, where it explicitly states, “Just send money” — to your child, not to the professor.
College students are young adults, and they’re in charge of their university career. Sometimes, however, kids catch onto the newfound freedoms more quickly than they grasp the academic rigor. The pace is fast. Students are expected to think critically, make connections, explore implications, often before noon. No extra credit for clapping the erasers.
Midterms and papers help determine grades, but final exams are the 800-pound gorilla. Are parents supposed to just stand by
during finals week and let their kids get walloped? Well . . . yes. But it’s OK to mail them a box of homemade cookies to soften the blow.
Struggling with exams helps college students attain their hopes and dreams. Like that recurring dream, you know . . . the one where you suddenly realize you have a final in a course you didn’t attend all term, and you’re not sure why you didn’t go to class, but you have to take the test, even though you are completely unprepared.
We all have times in life when we feel ill equipped to meet the challenges we face — like the birth of a child, and the couple of decades of parenting that follow. The finals nightmare is the perfect vehicle for our stress. Are you going to deny your college student this dream?
Take our test to see how well you’ve prepared your child for the ordeal of finals.
How well have you prepared your child for finals?
1. My college student believes the point of finals is to:
a. Learn and retain information.
b. Provide income for counseling professionals.
c. Test the power of prayer.
d. Boost sales of Red Bull.
2. My college student asks for my help on her English lliterature take-home final. How do I respond?
a. I refuse because it wouldn’t be ethical.
b. I refuse because I haven’t finished typing her biochem lab notes yet.
c. I refuse because the professor gave me a “C” the last time I helped.
d. I refuse, but refer her to a reliable Internet essay mill.
3. My student is scheduled to take the last final on the last day of exams. I urge him to:
a. Stay focused.
b. Get some exercise.
c. Drop the class.
d. Drop out of college.
4. My kid thinks a study break consists of:
a. Resting his eyes for a few minutes on the bus ride home.
b. Eating a whole bag of Cheetos during an all-nighter.
c. Inviting the Band-Uh! to play in his library carrel.
d. Sleeping through his final.
5. My college student calls home distraught after an exceptionally difficult final, one for which he prepared diligently. He’s afraid he might have failed the exam. I tell him:
a. “That’s discouraging. I’m sorry.”
b. “The brownies are in the mail.”
c. “Your little sister was named high school valedictorian today.”
d. “Cherish these moments, because the college years are the best years of your life.”
6. My student believes it’s OK to miss a final iif and only if:
a. There is a medical emergency.
b. There is a medical emergency on a new episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
c. Starbucks accidentally gives her decaf.
d. She can’t find her Uggs boots.
7. The most important lesson about stress management that my student should learn from finals week is that:
a. Being prepared reduces stress and anxiety.
b. Joining the finals week “undie run” is a good way to blow off steam.
c. Running in your underwear after college is a good way to get arrested.
d. Breathing exercises are no relief during childbirth either.
8. If my student flunks a final, I will blame:
a. Him, for spotty attendance and inadequate effort.
b. His girlfriend, for being more fun than the library.
c. Microsoft, for issuing a new edition of Halo, the video game.
d. Myself, for not calling him every morning to get him out of bed in time for class.
9. The most important thing my student should know about celebrating the end of finals week is:
a. Moderation.
b. A plastic bat is strong enough to break the piñata.
c. Florida is a lot farther away than it appears on the map.
d. Celebratory gunfire is illegal in the U.S.
If you answered,
Mostly a’s: Excellent parenting. Your student shoulders the full burden of finals, and should be home soon sleeping fitfully and ducking for cover at the sound of loud, sudden noises.
Mostly b’s: Above-average parenting. Looks like all those years of using the television as a babysitter worked out just fine.
Mostly c’s: Average work. By now, your student should be about halfway to Florida.
Mostly d’s: Hey, how about a job writing an alumni magazine column for the parents of college students?
Robin DeRieux can be reached at rdderieux@yahoo.com.