How come no one sails boats on the duck pond? Is it illegal? Do the ducks attack boats?

A FEW LAST QUESTIONS I stood with the others in my row, adjusted my graduation gown and waited. Then we began the slow walk down the aisle to receive a handshake from the chancellor--congratulations for finally completing the Ph.D.s that most of us had started years ago. It had been an endurance test, and we were those who had survived. This was a time for celebration; cameras flashed, and family members cheered. It was also, however, a time for reflection. As we paraded forward, I reviewed my years at Davis and the questions that have haunted me during my UC Davis career. Suddenly I realized that this might be an opportunity to seek answers. Perhaps I was about to meet someone who could help. I've never known exactly what a "chancellor" is or does. It sounds vaguely religious and vaguely related to royalty--definitely important. Perhaps the chancellor, as head of the university, was the wisest of the wise. Perhaps he was like the Wizard of Oz or the Sphinx in reverse. I could pose a question to him. The chancellor might represent my Chance for Lore. I could hold on to his hand for an extra few seconds, state my query and learn one more thing. Before the hood came down and branded me "educated" forever, I decided to try to cram one final kernel of wisdom into my head. But what to ask as my last question as a student? Which of the hundreds that tortured me? The one about the interstate? Why does a stretch of I-80 at the UC Davis exit suddenly go from three lanes to five, then back down to three. Both the east- and westbound sides are like this, so for one brief section there are 10 lanes. Were the construction crews practicing? Was it the result of a late lunch at Sudwerk? Did they anticipate an explosion of Davis' suburbs and the need for an expressway system comparable to Chicago's? Or is it a CalTrans practical joke? Or should I ask about the double-decker buses? Where did they come from? Were they simply a cheap purchase? A gift from foreign alumni? Or is there some mysterious, unacknowledged connection to the United Kingdom? After all, there are the traffic roundabouts, the British phone booth downtown on D street and, of course, the fog. Are the enormous hogs at the pig barn eaten at the end of the academic year? By whom? Are they barbecued in some Sword and Sandals bacchanalia? And do Sword and Sandals members really wear sandals and swords? If so, how do they keep their membership secret? How big was the chicken that laid the eggs scattered around campus? What happened to her? Why in a town that prides itself on "diversity" is it so hard to find a doughnut? Muffins are sold everywhere; good chocolate cake doughnuts are scarce. Why do people wear UC Davis shirts on the UC Davis campus? Is the Whole Earth Festival, an event where you can charge tie-dyed T-shirts, underwritten by Disney or some other huge multinational corporation? What kind of discounts can I get with my new degree? Will I have seniority at the pool tables in the MU basement? Will they say "It's a half hour wait . . . oh, excuse me, Dr. Mills; you can play right over here?" How come no one sails boats on the duck pond? Is it illegal? Do the ducks attack boats? Are the ducks vicious? Has anyone ever been attacked by one of the ducks? Were they hospitalized or just scared? Why aren't we named the Fighting Ducks? Was it because Oregon already had the name, or did we really want to be Aggies? Which question to ask? I examined the implications of each one. In fact, I was so engrossed in their intricacies that I barely heard the voice say, "Congratulations." I vaguely shook someone's hand, said, "Thanks," and went back to mulling over why the MU, the Silo and the Liquid Bean charge different amounts for the same cup of coffee. -- Joseph Mills, Ph.D. '98