Volume 28 · Number 3 · Spring 2011
Parents
Just Visiting
Illustration by Jay Leek/UC Davis
When students return home on break, reality and expectations collide.
"You can't go home again," wrote author Thomas Wolfe. But college students do return home — term after term, summer after summer, perhaps because they didn't complete the required reading.
Parents look forward to visits from their college students during break. College students suffer similar misconceptions.
Of course, it's great to see your kids again — at least it will be after they wake up. And college students miss their families, just not as much as their hometown friends, cars, the family pet, a washer and dryer that don't require quarters, and a well-stocked pantry.
When parents idealize their absent children, and college students romanticize home, the expectation of a euphoric visit can be punctured as quickly as the cartilage on your kid's ear, which is now sporting a wrought iron rivet. In reality, things have changed. The reunion with family can be stressful and contentious, or merely awkward and unsettling. Occasionally, visits are actually fun — mostly for your college student.
Here are 10 common myths surrounding college student reentry into the family orbit:
Myth 1 — Parents will enjoy deep, meaningful conversations with their visiting college students.
Intimate conversations with parents can feel threatening to young adults who still have a wobbly sense of independence. Parents don't understand everything their students have gone through, and students aren't planning to illuminate them anytime soon. They've been away from home building a new life, and when parents probe about intensely private subjects like, you know, coursework or exams, it can seem pretty intrusive. To keep the lines of communication open, try open-ended questions like:
Explain these grades.
Dump your boyfriend.
Get a job.
Pick up your shoes.
Myth 2 — College students have grown up and expect to be treated as equals.
College students may have matured during their time away, but evidence of this newfound maturity is shared strictly on a need-to-know basis. All that parents need to know is that their couch-potato scholars plan to spend a significant part of their vacation lounging around doing absolutely nothing. That's because, after a whole term of coping with demanding professors, inebriated housemates, cranky administrators, unreliable computer printers and stubborn grass stains, students are looking forward to an epic regression.
Myth 3 — College students are weary of adult responsibilities and want to be pampered during vacation.
Wrong again. Nothing ticks off a college student more than getting the royal treatment. The more parents baby their kids, the more kids resent being made to feel like babies. Though if you want to cook their favorite meal, that would be great. They'll let you know at the last minute whether they're going out to a restaurant with friends.
Myth 4 — Parents are eager to resume everyday parenting.
Not really. When kids first depart, it can be hard to relax your parenting muscles after all those years on high alert. But the burden lifts once you finally loosen your grip, and suddenly it's not so bad to have students away at college. Of course you miss them terribly, but after a while it only hurts in the wallet.
Sometimes students return home for a visit saddled with more emotional baggage than parents can overlook — even those parents who've gotten so good at relaxing their vigil that they might clinically be classified as comatose. When kids show up with their bad health, bad grades, bad luck, bad choices or bad relationships, parents have little choice but to resume active duty.
Myth 5 — Though parents may be reluctant to get involved, college students will really appreciate family guidance on difficult issues.
Don't hold your breath.
Myth 6 — Parents are happy to share their visiting student with others during vacation.
Girlfriends, boyfriends, former spouses, grandparents, probation officers — there is no shortage of people who want to monopolize your kid's time during break. This can be hard for grown-ups who don't share well with others.
Lowered expectations help. Lower. Lower. Pretty soon you'll be happy with a mere sighting of your kid between engagements.
Myth 7 — Parents are prepared for the identity shifts that college students experience.
College exposes students to a much wider world, causing them to question family values they previously took for granted. Of course, we expect college to teach students to think for themselves, yet somehow we never imagined it would teach them to think like that.
Your student's identity exploration can lead to a thoughtful family conversation. Ha! Just kidding. Mostly it leads to students baiting their parents into arguments about politics, religion and alternative lifestyles.
Myth 8 — College students returning home for break will be happy to live by your household rules.
Nah. Students expect home to be a sanctuary away from the pressures of college, with all the freedom but none of the exams. They're used to coming and going as they please, and they get cranky at attempts to limit their independence. Unless parents are explicit about expectations during visits, kids will do whatever the heck they want. Leave nothing unspoken. Hire an attorney. Draw up a contract. Include provisos and addendums.
Even then, college students will still do whatever the heck they want. In lieu of punishment, parents are entitled to have "a discussion" about it later.
Myth 9 — College students are just like other visitors.
Really?
Ordinary visitors don't hog all the hot water.
Ordinary visitors don't sprawl across a beanbag chair in the middle of the family room floor — simultaneously texting, Facebooking and listening to their iPod — and then yell at their little cousin, "Hey don't change the TV channel, I was watching that."
Ordinary visitors don't wash their laundry at 2 in the morning while whipping up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Ordinary visitors would never let the oven beeper and the dryer buzzer disturb others in the household who are trying to sleep because they have to get up early and go to work dammit.
Myth 10 — The best visits with college students are the ones without family conflict.
Sometimes your kids come home from college, and they're fun and considerate and engaging and in full bloom. Boy, I really hate that. It makes it so hard when it's time to say goodbye again.
Learn more about UC Davis Parent Programs.
Robin DeRieux can be reached at rdderieux@yahoo.com.