When my children’s grandmother died this year, I faced a situation that is common among parents of college students. I wanted my son and daughter to come to the funeral in New York, but I didn’t want them to get hopelessly behind at school.

What could I expect from their two universities?

Just as crises differ from incident to incident and from family to family, responses from colleges differ as well. In most cases, the rules of academic freedom mean that every instructor decides independently how to respond to emergency requests from students.

However, campuses also develop their own culture of response. Not every professor at UC Davis will work out a unique solution with every student, but sympathy and flexibility are far more common than parents and students might think.

Few ogres

“To me, grandparents count as immediate family,” says Beth Post, a lecturer who teaches large classes in psychology. “Students think instructors are ogres, or they think we’ll suspect them of lying. They think all sorts of things that aren’t the truth. The best thing to do is to approach me honestly about what’s going on.”

“In some cases, you only have to talk to the student for two minutes to realize that it’s a crisis,” says chemistry professor Gerd La Mar who teaches huge classes (often 450 at a time) where he rarely meets students until they show up with special requests.

“Parents should remind students that we’ve all been there,” suggests Tom Sallee, professor of mathematics. “We’ve seen our children get sick and been sick ourselves, and we’ve seen deaths in the family. We understand that these things take precedence over an exam.”

Many alternatives

Faculty members have several options for grading students who miss tests or assignments. In large classes, many instructors build flexibility into their grading structure ahead of time by saying that students can drop their lowest test score. Students who save that privilege for an emergency won’t lose out if they suddenly need to go home.

If students miss one exam or one assignment, many instructors simply base their final grade on the average achieved in other work. Others give makeup exams, although preparing additional materials can be time-consuming, and many faculty avoid it.

When students are absent for a long time, they often need to stop and regroup. They can drop a course, seek permission to drop a course late or take “planned educational leave” (PELP).

If, before leaving campus, students earned a passing grade in a substantial portion of the work for a class, they may request a grade of “incomplete.” This gives them a year to finish the course, but it’s up to the student to keep in touch with the professor and get the job done.

When there’s time to plan

The sorrows that shake families come in two varieties: the expected and the unexpected. An expected event might be a mother’s cancer surgery or the memorial service for a grandparent.

When time permits, students should always notify professors in advance, using phone or e-mail or approaching the instructor after class. Sometimes students feel more comfortable with the teaching assistant who handles labs or discussion sections, but if they notify that person, they should notify the professor as well. Inexperienced teaching assistants have been known to err in handling special requests, and they don’t have final responsibility for grades.

Contacting professors in a crisis should be as natural to a student as calling home, but rarely is that the case. Especially in large classes, students are reluctant to put themselves forward. Often their discomfort makes them delay, waiting until after the exam is missed or the paper is late and giving the professor the impression that the student is not conscientious.

Psychology lecturer Post, who sees herself as both mentor and instructor, teaches her students to be pro-active. “I believe firmly that it’s the responsibility of the people who are teaching lower-division classes to help guide new students into knowing what their resources are, what the expectations are going to be and what their responsibilities are.”

Parents, she says, can help by encouraging students to keep things in perspective. Missing one exam because of a death in the family, says Post, will not change the course of a student’s career.

The unforeseen

Occasionally, parents will find that, because the student is frantically packing and traveling, it falls to the parent to contact the campus on his or her behalf. But whom should parents call at a large university where they know few, if any, of the people their child sees every day?

Associate Dean Gary Ford of the College of Engineering offers the university perspective: “We recognize that parents don’t know exactly whom to call and that calls are going to come in somewhat randomly, to places like deans’ offices, the residence halls or the counseling center. All of us know how to redirect calls. We refer parents to other units once we figure out who can handle the information best.”

Staff members in a variety of units can take responsibility for notifying a student’s instructors. “Parents can call a multitude of places, and we start connecting with each other,” says Ford, but the dean’s office is a good first contact.

Mistakes made

Students are less likely to receive ideal treatment when their requests stretch the definition of “crisis.”

Post explains, “I don’t give prior arrangement makeup exams for things like ‘I’m in my cousin’s wedding’ or ‘I really want to try out for American Idol’ or even ‘I’m meeting the president.’” In cases like these, the student needs to be prepared to accept a lower grade. Some experiences might be worth it, but that’s an adult decision the student must make.

Occasionally, students will lie about a family crisis in order to buy time on an assignment. Instructors are aware of this possibility, which is why they often ask to meet with the student in person. La Mar asks students to put their requests in writing as well, and he finds that many don’t.

He suspects that they decide not to commit an untruth to paper.

Parents should not be offended if a professor asks for proof of the crisis. Especially in large classes, this may be the only way to prevent misconduct.

A familiar ending

In my own family, my children came to their grandmother’s funeral but returned to school with a lot of tension because they had fallen behind. I returned to work with similar tension. I felt bad for all of us—for many reasons—but I know that this is part of adulthood, when learning to deal with crisis is a lesson we all need.