Volume 29 · Number 4 · Summer 2012
Parents
The graduate
Parents have just one word of advice for graduating seniors...No, it's not 'plastics.'
By Robin DeRieux
Congratulations, parents, we did it! We sat through a two-hour commencement ceremony on hard bleachers in a hot, crowded gym, and never once complained about the youngster behind us who kept kicking our seat. Oh, and also, we raised a kid who is now a bona fide college graduate.
Of course, the students are the ones who actually attended classes, read books, wrote papers, solved problems and passed exams. But we did the hard work. Somehow — even if we never fostered so much as a pet goldfish during our own childhood — we managed to raise a kid all the way from Sesame Street to Comedy Central. OK, we had a little help from the mass media along the way. But we put our hearts into it, and now the only question that remains is: Where can a party of 12 go out for dinner after commencement when no one thought to make reservations?
After all, our graduate has a college diploma. Other than picking up the tab at the restaurant, our job as parents is done. Right?
Well, kind of. But let's suppose, just for the sake of argument, speaking strictly hypothetically, that our student does not have a job lined up after graduation. Then what? Then parents have entered uncharted waters, with our young graduate at the helm. Prepare for a choppy ride of unpredictable direction and duration.
Most college students have a very clear goal — finishing college. When senior year arrives, some of them haven't planned too far beyond that. They may be vaguely aware that their university career is coming to an end. For one thing, friends and relatives and professors and loan officers keep asking invasive and accusatory questions, such as, "What's next?" By sticking their fingers in their ears and singing "Poker Face" at a very high volume, students have successfully forestalled any planning for the future.
Goals for life after graduation? Well, new graduates do have one plan, in which the CEO of a dynamic startup calls and begs them to join the company. And by the way, the CEO would be happy to have an intern wearing flip flops drive by in the company MINI Cooper to pick them up for an interview — would noon be too early?
Someone has to burst this bubble. Might as well be Mom and Dad.
Parents are happy to help young graduates clarify their goals for life after college: Get a job. We want our big-ticket offspring to be gainfully employed and financially independent. Satisfied with their work would also be nice, but that's negotiable.
Turns out that finding a job is hard work. Even if our kids are doing everything right, it's ugly out there. Adjustments must be made. While they're seeking that first big career break, graduates may need to take an internship, a temporary position or some crummy job they could easily have done in high school.
Alright, parents and graduates together, let's just mourn our unfulfilled expectations for professional opportunities after college all at the same time. Go ahead, let it out. All the stages of grief — denial, anger, crème brulee, online Solitaire, until finally, law school.
Job hunting is frustrating for young graduates. During this period of adjustment to the real world, graduates will feel fragile, sensitive, vulnerable, and uh . . . grouchy. They may look to parents for moral support.
Don't take the bait! It's a trap! Let's say we try to offer our graduates some constructive criticism on résumés and make helpful suggestions about networking. Graduates find that kind of input from parents to be stressful and annoying. Maybe we express our condolences about the economy and the difficult job market. They find that stressful and annoying, too. Perhaps we're just buoyantly optimistic and have faith in our graduate's ability to meet these life challenges. Hoo boy, that is so stressful and so annoying.
I suggest the minimalist approach to moral support.
Since nothing we say can make the situation better, we say nothing. Of course, parental silence as a response is also stressful and annoying, so whatever our graduate says, we nod our head gravely and make a sympathetic murmur. Just a single word. Perhaps, "Hmmm." This could mean anything. Our graduate will think it means, "I hear you and I feel your pain, but I know you can do this." Even though what it really means is, "I'm not touching that comment with a 10-foot pole."
Have confidence, parents, that college graduates eventually will become employees. One kid I know who graduated last year found a promising temporary job after a four-month search. She told me that she interviewed and was rejected nine times before she finally was offered a position. "Hmmm," I said, and nodded gravely. This saved me from blurting out what initially popped into my head, which was, "Only nine times?"
After several months of hard work, this young graduate received an even better job offer — a permanent one — with paid vacation time and health benefits and on-site napping pods and free pet sitting. Actually, I'm not sure about the free pet sitting, and maybe those napping pods are just empty cubicles. But she definitely gets vacation days and health insurance.
She likes her work, and she loves the paycheck. She's not crazy about the hours. "Did you know I have to be at my desk every single day by 8:30 a.m.?" she complained to her mom.
"Hmmm," her mom replied, with a nod. The new employee interpreted this to mean, "I know. It's ridiculous how early they expect people to get to the office."
What her mom actually meant was, "College has ended, but the learning continues."
Humor writer Robin DeRieux can be reached at rdderieux@yahoo.com.