Parents as Partners

By Teri Bachman

Today’s parents aren’t dropping off their children at the college door and rushing home to redecorate the empty nest. More than ever, they are staying involved in the lives of their college-age children.

My son is only 15, and I already feel pangs when I think of him leaving home. For years I’ve been his scheduler, cheerleader and chauffeur. I’ve worked to ensure that he is happy and successful and safe. But one day very soon he’ll pack up his clothes and CDs and his hockey stick and head off to college and a life on his own.

How will I let go, I wonder. How do other parents? Well, I’ve discovered, some don’t—at least not quite like they used to.

Increasingly, parents are not relinquishing their active role in their children’s lives, even though those children have become young adults and have left for college. In 1990, the Chronicle of Higher Education identified a new trend: Parents were staying involved in their college students’ lives, hanging on to their roles as decision makers, problem solvers and safety officers. Parents were hungry for information about their student’s college experience and for ways to stay in contact. And, noted the article, campuses were responding through a variety of means, from workshops and newsletters to associations and clubs.

Parents on board

Here at UC Davis, administrators say they, too, are seeing evidence of that trend in ways small and large, helpful and obstructive, particularly within the last half-dozen years: Parents simply concerned about every aspect of the college experience (“Are there enough outlets for everyone’s computer?” “How much homework is there?” “What type of rain gear should we get for them?”). Parents wanting to stay in close contact with their children by frequent phone calls. Parents helping their students pick a major, classes or living situation. Parents who are quick to step in to try to solve their children’s problems, whether it’s a conflict with a roommate or a too-noisy dorm.

Parents, of course, have always wanted to remain close to their grown children, but, say administrators, today’s parents seem to be extending the care-taking relationship they’ve had since their children were little.

The director of advising services, Dennis Beardsley, said he noticed a change about two years ago when the number of parents attending summer advising dramatically increased, jumping from about 1,000 in 1997 to 1,500 in 2000. Not only were their numbers up, their involvement has increased, too.

“They ask a million questions,” says Beardsley. “The freshmen sit there like bumps on a log, while the parents ask the questions.”

That was certainly the case at a UC Davis welcome session I attended this spring for students who had been invited to enroll at UC Davis. Some 200 parents and prospective students came to hear a panel of four current students talk about why they had selected UC Davis. After a brief presentation, the four answered questions.

A dad up front asked the first question: “In which dorm did you live as a freshman? And what were the pros and cons?

And then a mom: “How many students live on campus?” And then a question from another mom. And another mom. And then a dad. And finally a question from an incoming student. And then questions from five more parents before another student raised a hand. And on it went for the entire session.

Fred Wood, associate dean for undergraduate education in the College of Letters and Science, reports his college has seen an increase in parents helping select students’ majors and courses. “When we send out information, parents take a real active role in helping sort out the information. At this point,” he said during an April interview shortly after students had been accepted for admission, “we are getting a lot of calls from parents asking about majors, minors, who teaches classes.”

Pat Kearney, recently retired director of student housing, noted that during fall move-in time, not all parents leave after getting their kids settled in—some stay for the entire Welcome Week and come to student events, like Turbulence, an alcohol-free mixer.

That involvement doesn’t stop once the school year begins. Resident advisers (R.A.s) report that parents call frequently—at times more frequently than the students like. If parents have trouble catching their kids in, and the calls aren’t returned, they will sometimes call the R.A. (and sometimes the police).

R.A. Steve English says he’s noticed another sign of the tight parent-child relationship: empty parking lots on weekends. “During the week, there are no parking spaces at my dorms. On the weekend, the lot is empty. Everybody goes home.”

And evidence suggests that the trend continues even beyond the college years. U.S. News & World Report, in an article last fall about employment of “the boomers’ kids,” discussed the lingering involvement of parents, giving the example of one father who called his son’s prospective employer to negotiate a salary. A March 25 Newsweek article coined a new word—“adultolescent”—to describe “overgrown kids [who] seem content to enjoy the protection of their parents as they drift from adolescence to early adulthood.”

What’s behind it?

There’s little research data to answer that question definitively, but UC Davis psychologist and professor Carolyn Aldwin speculates that the changing structure of the American family may be a contributing factor. The family tree today has a “beanpole” structure, she notes—tall and thin, consisting of multiple generations (grandparents, parents, children) with small numbers within each of those generations. In the 1950s and ’60s, she says, the average number of children per family was four. That number has since declined, in part due to birth control and to greater educational and employment opportunities for women.

With these smaller numbers of children and with grandparents living longer than ever, “it makes sense that people would stay more connected across generations,” says Aldwin. She notes that with fewer children and greater wealth, today’s parents can invest more time and resources in the children they do have.

An expert on stress and coping, Aldwin also notes that the last 20 years have seen a preoccupation with stress. “There have been literally thousands of studies showing that stress is bad for people, including children, and parents got the idea that they needed to protect their children from stress, to take over if things got a little rough.”

Protection not only from stress but from any form of harm has been an overarching concern of today’s parents, notes an article in the September–October 2001 issue of the higher education journal About Campus.

“Today’s parents are going to unprecedented lengths to avoid their worst fear—that harm will befall their child,” wrote author Karen Forbes, director of counseling services at Lafayette College in Easton, Penn.

So, in the early grades, dodge ball is banned and playgrounds are resurfaced with little rubber chips. In the college years, that parental concern gets translated into worry about campus crime, excessive drinking or unpleasant social situations.

The preoccupation with safety, coupled with an increasing number of families with two working parents, also results in highly structured lives for children. Many parents tightly schedule their children’s day, trundling them from school to music lessons to organized sports. Free-form afternoons have been replaced by day-care programs and summer camps.

So parents who have been engaged with the weekly, the daily, the hourly programming of their children may find it difficult to let go once those children leave home.

It’s all done with the best of intentions, of course: to help children succeed in life. In an increasingly competitive world where a college degree is viewed as an essential prerequisite to the good life, it’s not surprising that parents want to ensure that their children get the most from the experience.

“Parents want to make sure that they provide their sons and daughters with the best educational opportunities, the best recreational activities, the best intellectual and social outlets,” says Advising Services Director Beardsley. And if that requires a guiding hand in personal decisions or a call to an R.A. or a dean, so be it.

Some experts call it “scaffolding.” Associate Dean Wood has heard it called “parents as personal trainers.” And part of it is parents as consumers—customers who are paying the bills for college and want to make sure they get their money’s worth. Wood notes that, now that grades are available online, some parents have made it clear that their children will give them the access code, or the children won’t get the check.

And university makes three

As the relationship between parents and their college-age children has evolved, so has the university’s role in the equation. In loco parentis—the university as substitute parent—once ruled the day. On the Davis campus that meant young women had to be in their rooms by 10:15 p.m. and alcohol sales were banned within a three-mile radius of campus. That pendulum swung, however, during the Vietnam era as students fought to be considered adults, responsible for their own behavior, and universities adopted a hands-off approach.

Today, universities and parents are working as partners, each providing the support that will best ensure their common goal of student success. Forbes, in her About Campus article, noted that in loco parentis is back—but redefined, involving, on the university’s part, “catering or nurturing” instead of “restraint and correction.”

This recent shift was prompted in part by a series of court decisions that found that higher education institutes do have a responsibility to protect students. Further, changes in federal law—which had protected the privacy of students, not allowing universities to share information even with parents—now allow parents to be notified in certain situations, like when students are in danger of harming themselves or others. On the Davis campus, that leads to five to 10 calls home each year, mostly in those cases when students have drunk themselves into an emergency room.
This new university/parent partnership is also the result of the university’s realization that parental involvement can have many benefits—not only for the student but for the institution as well, creating a constituency more likely to be supportive in terms of dollars and goodwill.

A fine line

To be sure, parental involvement, if excessive or inappropriate, can be a problem. Parents who are too quick to step in don’t give their children an opportunity to develop coping skills or the ability to handle their own problems.

Young people who are not held accountable for their mistakes but are rescued from messes of their own making learn no lessons. And sometimes, in the rush to help their own children, parents forget about the rights of others involved in a situation. “Parents may be supporting their son or daughter at all costs, while not realizing how their child may be impacting the community,” said Diane Russell, associate director of student housing.

And, at the very least, their children may resent the help. Senior resident adviser Preet Bassi reports that one of the biggest problems her charges experience with their parents is interference. So Bassi and her staff provide advice on how to maintain a healthy relationship with parents.

“Students need to tell parents, ‘I’m older now, I’m more mature, I can take care of myself,’ but still respect that all they are doing is caring. They are just worried,” said Bassi, who knows that firsthand. She and her mother, Baljit Bassi, readily admit that Preet’s freshman year was harder on mother than child. Baljit would call two or three times a week, in addition to seeing Preet every weekend.

“It was very difficult the first year,” says Baljit. “I called all the time, and if I couldn’t reach her, I would think, ‘Something has happened.’ That’s why we got her a cell phone, so I could reach her all the time.”

Though parents can occasionally cross the line from mentor to meddler, the benefits of their involvement can be long and lasting. Students can learn a great deal from parents who coach rather than do.

“We want parents to be involved,” says Russell. “They can be very influential with their son or daughter and give them the skills they need. When a problem arises, they can ask good questions—Have you talked to your resident adviser? Have you seen your academic adviser? What have you thought about to solve this problem?—instead of jumping in and solving it themselves. So parents can be tremendously beneficial if they have a good relationship with their student.”

Forbes noted in her About Campus article that research has shown that college students who remain attached to their parents benefit academically, socially and vocationally.

The campus responds

To help encourage this healthy involvement and to provide the information that parents seek about their son’s or daughter’s college experience, UC Davis—like universities across the country—has launched a number of new initiatives.

Representatives from student housing now provide an expanded presentation for parents during summer advising, telling them about more than the nuts and bolts of a housing contract or meal plans. They provide information about what their child might experience those first few weeks at school and talk about the best role parents can play.

Russell describes one scenario that’s frequently shared with participants: “Parents, I want you to imagine that it’s 11:30 at night, and you’re sound asleep. The phone rings, and it’s your daughter crying, upset over some issue and saying, ‘I don’t know what to do.’ And you’re feeling, ‘We have to get on a plane first thing in the morning; we’ve got to get to Davis somehow.’ Well, after you’ve gotten off the phone, your daughter goes out for pizza, but there you are, lying wide awake.”

Parents are advised, in that scenario, not to call the housing office and not to panic. “Call your daughter first thing in the morning, and more often than not you’ll find that she’s OK.”

During fall quarter check-in, a welcome event has been added for parents that gives them a chance to hear speakers from the academic and social sides of campus and then mingle with staff over lemonade and cookies. Parents are also treated to a meal in the dining commons during their visit to campus.

For parents of freshmen, a new Web site (www.housing.ucdavis.edu/parents) and newsletter keep them informed and offer tips about helpful ways they can support their children. The Web site includes advice from other parents and housing staff about rooms and roommates, housing policies and conduct, ways students can get involved in their residence hall and housing services. The twice-yearly newsletter is designed to help parents feel connected to their student and provide some insight into what their child is experiencing throughout the school year.

Plans are also under way for a pilot project—called Aggie Family Pack—to strengthen the campus’s connection with parents. Beginning this fall, monthly e-mails will be sent to parents of freshmen with links to a special Web page dedicated to news of interest to families. Parents will be invited to sporting and social events on campus and in their local areas. They’ll receive regular reminders about important dates (midterms, finals, registration deadlines) and a list of campus resources and contacts important to their students’ success. And, beginning in this issue of the magazine, a new department will feature news of interest to parents of college students here and elsewhere.

The campus also has many resources for freshmen that provide support and structure as they make the transition to independence. Across campus, programs are offered in a variety of areas: academics, social, financial, health, recreation, employment. In the residence halls, R.A.s, senior R.A.s and a team of professional staff members are available to help students with academics, leadership and conduct. Talks and workshops provide a proactive approach to heading off problems in student housing, like roommate troubles, that could lead to a teary late-night call to parents.

“On the one hand, the students who come and live with us are nothing more than seniors in high school who’ve had a summer vacation,” says former Housing Director Kearney. “On the other hand, they are young adults who are in college.” For both students and their parents, it is truly a transition.

Teri Bachman is editor of UC Davis Magazine and a mom who spends much of her time running her two kids from school to art class to hockey practice.