Instant messaging is the way students communicate today—but not necessarily with their parents.

By Marion Franck

If parents were able to float invisibly into their son’s or daughter’s room at college and observe the student at the computer, they might notice that the “desktop” looks very different from the one they use themselves.

Little 3 x 4-inch boxes clutter the screen. The student keeps moving the cursor between them and typing. The computer emits strange noises: beeps, chimes and the sound of doors opening and closing. All of a sudden the student laughs out loud.

What’s going on?

The student is using “instant messaging,” a communication tool that is big on campus, bigger for many students than e-mail, snail mail or cell phones. In most cases, parents have not caught up.
Nor may they want to. But it helps to know a little more about it before you make up your mind.

HOW IT WORKS

Instant messaging, which was invented years ago but took a while to catch on, allows you to communicate with someone via the computer in real time. You enter a message, and the other person receives it the moment after you click “send.” It’s like being on the phone, except that you’re typing. The service is free from several companies.

Students have adopted instant messaging en masse for communicating with each other. Most of the reasons are practical. Students can “message” several people at once. They can avoid using costly minutes on their phone, and if that phone has a weak signal or a dying battery—no problem.
Instant messaging is always available, especially if the student lives in a residence hall with a high-speed connection. In some cases, instant messaging replaces talking, although it does not replace conversation.

Interviews suggest that the most common instant message is something like, “Do you want to go eat now?” One student admits that he even sends this message to roommates in his own apartment.

The next most common use of instant messaging is to plan social activities with friends on campus. One student says, “IM is really helpful on weekends to figure out what people are doing and if I can get a ride.” In general, group activities are easier to organize when instant messaging is used instead of the phone.

Students also “message” each other about schoolwork, checking up on assignments or asking brief questions.

Many students rely on instant messaging to keep up with friends who live elsewhere or with siblings at home (but not usually with parents).

Instant messaging is now so prevalent that it has turned a noun into a verb. “Message me” sounds no odder than “call me” to students.

WHILE YOU'RE AWAY

One remarkable thing about instant messaging is the way it can be used to communicate even when no one is there.

Students often leave their computers running, posting instant messages that speak for them while they’re out on campus. These so-called “away messages” can be highly personalized. One freshman explains that she has 15 pre-written away messages, ranging from “at class” to “mad at the world.”

This is not even close to the upper limit for the obsessive, who may own several accounts. Some students write custom messages every time they leave. One first-year student at UC Davis posts her entire day’s schedule, hoping that friends will catch up with her at the Silo for lunch.
They do.

An away message can tell a student how his or her friends are doing, even at great distance. An away message like “I failed the midterm” or “I got my purse stolen” communicates volumes.
And—just as people use telephone answering devices to screen phone calls—students use away messages to screen incoming contacts. If they don’t want to answer, they don’t have to.

PARENTS, TOO?

Do students want parents to join this brave new world?

Response is mixed. Many students who already exchange instant messages with parents like it. Others would not be opposed, like the freshman who said, “Hmmm. That means we could just say ‘hey’ to each other. Sounds nice,” or her classmate who offered, “I wouldn’t mind, and it would cost less than a long-distance phone call.”

However, remarks from some students might give a parent pause. “They’d probably just bug me too much if they got it,” says one young man in the dorms. “My mom’s too inept with computers,” says another. “My parents don’t type fast enough,” offers a third.

“I did show my mom how to use instant messaging,” says one senior, “but she would try to type out entire paragraphs,” he adds, shaking his head.

One student explains that he uses instant messaging with his parents, but only indirectly. If he wants to say something to them, he types a message to his siblings at home who relay it to his parents. “If my dad needs to tell me something important, he’ll tell my brother to message me.”
Others say that the kinds of conversations they have with parents do not lend themselves to instant messaging. “When you talk to your parents, it’s more serious,” remarks one student and, indeed, there is a sense that instant messaging should be used for lighter things, planning and study breaks, rather than heart-to-heart discussions.

“If I were talking to my parents, it would be something I’d give more attention to, as opposed to casual conversation with friends,” says one young woman. “IM isn’t good for something deep.”
“My dad said never to ask for money over instant messaging,” says one young man. “I have to go home and talk to him.”

Some students prefer the phone with parents, while others like e-mail, which lets both sides think about their response before typing. “It’s kind of nice to read the e-mail when I want to read the e-mail,” explains one student. (Snail mail, it seems, is so last century.)

GIVING IT A TRY

If your student is not averse to your trying instant messaging, here are some tips.

Be aware that your recipient is probably “multi-tasking.” Students know that everyone they contact is also doing something else: listening to music, writing a paper, chatting with a roommate, checking Web sites and “talking” on line with three other people. (Multi-tasking and procrastination are close relatives.) If parents use instant messaging, they should realize they do not have the undivided attention of their student.

If you are online often, don’t initiate a conversation with your student every time. If a parent becomes a pest, the student may change his or her screen name to escape. (Indeed, many students maintain more than one account, with one screen name available only to the closest friends.)

It’s fine to write, “How are things?” but parents should avoid pointed questions like, “How did you do on the math test?” You don’t want your student to view you as an IM nag.

Finally, it can be difficult to convey concern, pride or affection using typed, one-sentence messages, even if you become adept at punctuating with yellow smiley faces. Before adopting instant messaging, talk to your student. Ask which service he or she uses, so you can go to the same one.

And don’t forget one more thing: Find out whether your student wants you there at all.